New belief formation - moving closer to the goal

After a long break from writing during which I was going through many manosphere blogs here and there I decided to come back and finish what I started. Moreover, I was applying myself in the "field" over and over again in order to push myself out of the cushy comfort zone I used to live in. I have noticed that striking a casual conversation in the sauna/gym or in the nighclub with a random girl does not cause any symptoms of anxiety described in the previous post. But before I could bring myself back to that state I had to expose myself to plenty amount of rejection before. That means I had to go... DIRECT to every set! 

I did my best with the lines such as: "I find you really attractive and I would like to get to know you", "I think you and me should talk, wink wink", "I have not met you yet, but I bet I will enjoy your company" and all other variations of that. Be aware, if you are a newbie and starting the journey this way. You will get rejected and for the first 40 or more approaches you are going to feel like a failure if your success rate is less than 10%. It works only if you can be really confident and hold yourself in the battle later on but your composure has to be super tight in order to succeed. I decided to take this route to rough myself up a bit to develop a bit thicker skin. Because once you start seeing things from a new perspective you will learn not to take their shit tests so seriously. Any responses such as "fuck of", "I have a boyfriend" , "Leave me ALONE! you prick" or any such a like does not crush you that easily anymore. 


What have I gained by approaching like that ? I know that whatever heaviest thing she is going to drop on me I will stay collected. I believe I can go out anytime to talk to any girl equipped with a new attitude. I have got a strong card to play in social interactions. One that I needed at the very begging. 

As I was licking my wounds after being a serial approacher:) I thought about the way of pushing myself even further. This thing about a belief kept repeating like a mantra on the back of my head. I decided to explore the subject even further. I came across an article on guardian. Please feel free to check it yourself: http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2005/jun/30/psychology.neuroscience. The most interesting part I have noticed there was this:

Beliefs and ideas therefore become our currency, says Taylor. Society is no longer a question of simple survival; it is about choice of companions and views, pressures, ideas, options and preferences.....

Another route to understanding how beliefs form is to look at how they can be manipulated. In her book on the history of brainwashing, Taylor describes how everyone from the Chinese thought reform camps of the last century to religious cults have used systematic methods to persuade people to change their ideas, sometimes radically.

The first step is to isolate a person and control what information they receive. Their former beliefs need to be challenged by creating uncertainty. New messages need to be repeated endlessly. And the whole thing needs to be done in a pressured, emotional environment.

"Beliefs are mental objects in the sense that they are embedded in the brain," says Taylor. "If you challenge them by contradiction, or just by cutting them off from the stimuli that make you think about them, then they are going to weaken slightly. If that is combined with very strong reinforcement of new beliefs, then you're going to get a shift in emphasis from one to the other."

In metaphorical terms, imagine that you as a young person growing in your community, family social circle have been receiving these messages uncritically. Without judgement you accepted everything that has been said to you by your parents as true. Media, social conditioning and feminism gave you beliefs which you have followed to the rule unconsciously. What manosphere blogs do, they make the whole idea of feminist influence and feminine imperative conscious back to you. What once you have accepted as a rule of thumb, they (bloggers) map the whole process back to you and provoke some insight. You may question yourself, feel a bit uncomfortable with the red pill wisdom even deny to accept it because previous beliefs gave you stability. New information even if its based on science provide a contradiction to your comfortable thinking patterns. That creates a distress and a denial. But seeking the right approach once you were exposed to some serious horseshit is always painful.

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." said Arthur Schopenhauer of the learning process.

So you may want to ask yourself what do I need to do to form healthier beliefs about my approach to life and dating ? First discover and examine the principles behind social interactions. It has been said over and over again that women do desire dominant men. This is their nature. New principles therefore are based on human nature which is stable and reliable. It is as certain as a gravity. Once you accept the rule of gravity you know how to play around with it. If you want to jump from a plane, make sure you take the parachute so you dont get hurt. You know what to do. When you toss a coin in the air you know it will come back to your hand. You form expectations based on facts. You don't have to expect a reaction as the law of gravity has been proven to work over and over again. Interesting thing is, if the coin gets stuck in the middle of ther air, that would be considered a miracle, magic or a work of devil. So you feel confident once you base your actions on the reality and stunned if the principles do not work. The same metaphor applies to women. The more principles you know the more healthier beliefs you form. External behaviors such as confidence and playfulness appear as a result of a new belief.

But in order to form a better you, you have to expose yourself back at social interactions and try out new principles in actions. Everyday apply something new, keep a keen eye on what is going on around you. Go out of comfort zone and try to take charge of a simple thing once you are around a woman. Test it, apply it, believe in it see what happens. You might want to surprise yourself. Just remember, these principles are as true and as certain and proven to work as newtons law of motion, so once you see the light play around with it, that's were charm and social mastery lies.

My next post will be about these principles in action. Examples, personal stories and results to follow.

What do you belive in lately ?

The topic of picking up women ( because its fun ) continued....

   I have been thinking some time about that concept of a belief and it always bugged me why even though I have all the knowledge from manosphere blogs I kept slipping to my old patterns about being nice to women and generally behaving the way my parenting and social conditioning made me to act. It is like my brain still has not acknowledged the truth coming from the wisdom of people who have been there, done that and can tell you exactly how the road looks like. After reading the blogs and books I know consciously (but not unconsciously/naturally hence confidently) the better ways to interact with women. I remember, how it is supposed to be done to attract ladies and do not become a pussy along the way, yet it feels like my brain is moving so slowly with that knowledge. I suppose the reason for that might be my previous unhealthy patterns which stuck with me so tightly that any attempt to unlearn is hard. It is a very sad point in ones life when you got to admit to yourself that: I know that I do not know what I really want to know!

To help us map the road around that dilemma below is a nice presentation of 5 learning cycles. Btw. Fifth one is know as a reflective competence.

	competence	incompetence
conscious	3 - conscious competence the person achieves 'conscious competence' in a skill when they can perform it reliably at will the person will need to concentrate and think in order to perform the skill the person can perform the skill without assistance the person will not reliably perform the skill unless thinking about it - the skill is not yet 'second nature' or 'automatic' the person should be able to demonstrate the skill to another, but is unlikely to be able to teach it well to another person the person should ideally continue to practise the new skill, and if appropriate commit to becoming 'unconsciously competent' at the new skill practise is the single most effective way to move from stage 3 to 4	2 - conscious incompetence the person becomes aware of the existence and relevance of the skill the person is therefore also aware of their deficiency in this area, ideally by attempting or trying to use the skill the person realises that by improving their skill or ability in this area their effectiveness will improve ideally the person has a measure of the extent of their deficiency in the relevant skill, and a measure of what level of skill is required for their own competence the person ideally makes a commitment to learn and practice the new skill, and to move to the 'conscious competence' stage
unconscious	4 - unconscious competence the skill becomes so practised that it enters the unconscious parts of the brain - it becomes 'second nature' common examples are driving, sports activities, typing, manual dexterity tasks, listening and communicating it becomes possible for certain skills to be performed while doing something else, for example, knitting while reading a book the person might now be able to teach others in the skill concerned, although after some time of being unconsciously competent the person might actually have difficulty in explaining exactly how they do it - the skill has become largely instinctual this arguably gives rise to the need for long-standing unconscious competence to be checked periodically against new standards	1 - unconscious incompetence the person is not aware of the existence or relevance of the skill area the person is not aware that they have a particular deficiency in the area concerned the person might deny the relevance or usefulness of the new skill the person must become conscious of their incompetence before development of the new skill or learning can begin the aim of the trainee or learner and the trainer or teacher is to move the person into the 'conscious competence' stage, by demonstrating the skill or ability and the benefit that it will bring to the person's effectiveness

Picking up women as a skill.

So there you go, right now you can ask yourself a question on where you can place yourself - in the skill of picking up women or any other activity that demands a skill. Personally as I was involved in the topic of so called "PUA" I gained some awareness on what works and what does not. I moved from unconscious incompetence, where I was bumping left and right here and there trying to be nice to women and just be myself (trying to impress, nervous), disregarding any of my blind spots or areas for improvement. I used to deny any tactics rationalizing them as a cheap manipulations and I held a belief that "be myself" was the best way in the field. However this approach only got me to a certain level, definitely not the one which would be described me as a player who "knows his way around the game".

As I have read more and more blogs on the topic and started gathering information on how to be the best man I can possibly be - an "Alpha Male", I became aware of the skills and attitudes that I have not preciously used. From testimonials (field reports) and observations (movies, real life examples) and advises from blogs I have seen traits which should prove to be more beneficial to my approach. For example:

CHARACTERISTICS OF A MODERN ALPHA MALE

1. Be a leader of men

People should look to you as a leader. You lead by example. You set the tone for the night. When there’s any doubt about what the next move should be, you’re the one who decides. You take women by the hand. You’re a social hub. You’re the one people look to when they’re looking for a fun time. You’re assertive but take everyone’s feelings into account.

2. Protector of loved ones

If there is one tried and true attribute of the alpha male, it is his ability to take care of the people he loves. The alpha male father could care less if he dies in a struggle as long as his wife and children survive. He puts the value of his life below those he truly cares about. In terms of strength, his body language lets you know that he is not to be messed with regardless of his height or stature. 

3. Be firm in your values

You have meditated and thought about your deepest inner values. You are unwavering on these. These can include things as basic as love of life, traveling, studying, religion, or not tolerating condescension or self-defeating behavior. These are the basic pieces that make up your personality and it is important to know what they are. The average, beta male has trouble describing his personal values to others. He looks to others to define who he is. This will not be you. YOU will define who you are. Nobody else.

4. Be self-validated

You do not need the validation of others to define your confidence. You can get “in state” from energy generated purely from within. You don’t look to others for approval because you KNOW you’re an all-star. You’re AWESOME and every fiber of your being knows it. You will not be knocked out of state in the field because nothing can harm your ego. You are awesomeness embodied. Settle for nothing less.

5. Be non-reaction seeking & non-reactive

How someone reacts to your behavior is not particularly important to you. You are self-validated and emanate awesomeness. You are positive, understanding and beneficent to others yet do not need this fact acknowledged. People react to YOU. You do not react to THEM. People seek your approval which you dole out as appropriate. You are outcomes-independent.

6. Have social proof and preselection

Everywhere you go, people want to be associated with you. You have many friends. Beautiful women are part of your life. You accept this as a god-given fact. You own every room you’re in. You’re Bill Clinton. You have an abundance mentality because your life is abundant.

7. Be a value giver (and not a value taker)

You do not NEED approval from others. Approval is something a high value individual doles out to others. Receiving approval is taking value. Seeking approval is being a value taker. YOU dole out the approval. YOU are approached by value takers. YOU are a value giver. Every person you encounter in your life is better off for having met you. Whether it’s just a wave hello to a stranger, a compliment to your butcher, or a massive party you help organize and invite high value people to, you’re enriching the lives of others. You are benevolent and compassionate. You look out for and protect the people in your life.

http://cavemancircus.com/2012/04/23/the-7-defining-characteristics-of-an-alpha-male/

As I was the one who was always looking up to create more opportunities for my own development I tried to move on from being aware of those traits to actually living these values on the day to day basis. Although first time I have seen them and compared them to my own life I was really disappointed and felt like there was a huge gap between present me and me which I would like to be. However, I have noticed that the concept of an "Alpha Male" is not exclusively applicable to a dating world but to my whole life in general. I am sure, some of you may relate that once in a while you have been selected as a leader (school, sports, camping, home) due to your superiority of skills in a particular context so you already know how does it feel like to be a man. Moreover, even for me it was natural to stand up for my friends and loved ones, stay true to my values and give myself a high five once I have done something I was really proud of. As your life progressed and you gained some skills just like I did, you know also the attitude you had when you helped somebody else with minor problems, therefore you were a value giver in that particular moment.

In addition, my place on the matrix of conscious competence is proved when I have to go just a little outside my comfort zone (social anxiety) to strike an interesting conversation with a girl or remind myself what these creatures:) aka women find attractive and display those traits despite discomfort.

Once I do and hit the sweet spot (once in the while and believe me I failed my first jumps many times!) I see the difference between my past and present approach. It is like a day and night. I recall, once in the nightclub I was hitting all the right buttons left and right - pre-selection, value giver, fun, chilled out yet dominant, knew what I had to do to have fun, I have noticed hugely different reaction from the environment. Girls, were coming to talk with me, I had many envious looks from women, I had a make-out session after 2 mins of meeting a girl and felt pretty frikkin legen-dary!  However, some of you who are on this stage might notice an interesting thing. Once you receive positive response, you feel more relaxed and inclined to push the bar further and further. This is usually the place where you get to cocky and fucks everything up:). But it is not a defeat as you have a new experience in your life, you have achieved a new level, achievement unlocked. The whole circle in this stage goes like this:

But once you see the benefits from applying yourself on a day by day basis ( even with those tiny moments ) you will have a new memory in your life. Feel free to brag about it here:) This memory I think is the foundation of a new belief. The belief that I can change. I had a great time before and I will be more inclined to put myself back to a new experience more confidently. And as you see at this point only practice of what you have learnt is going to move you from the point where you have to consciously recall what you have learnt to unconscious doing just like driving a car or reading a book or whatever else is there that you are effortlessly good at.

Introspection, part 2 - how to make a bad boy

Early experiences:

1) Born in a family where dad is a dominant force in the family or
2) Little bad boy sees her mother cheating on her husband
3) Our little prospective bad-ass looks up to man's figures in his lifetime

Core beliefs:

1) Women cannot be trusted as a female companion in a man's (dads) life
2) If a dominant dad is still around, son beliefs that an anger and rebellion is in his nature as masculine force is sometimes good for standing up for oneself.
3) He no longer feels powerless, he has learnt form his dad values such as courage, bravery and a respect for himself.
4) He believes women are no longer priority in his life, he sees them as week and fungible.

Rules he lives by:

1) I am important and my needs are more important than women's.
2) I know how to get what I want out of life and I will use my power to get it.
3) It feels great to exercise my capabilities wherever I go, I use it daily with anyone and I enjoy it.
4) Women are pretty and are just a tiny extension of my life.

Situation:

By the age of 20 he enters college and attends parties. He sees many cute girls over there and he does not hesitate for a moment to talk to the first one which stands in his way. As he was enjoying himself for the most part of his life so being interesting and aloof around the girls make him attractive and fun person to be around with. Although he sees some awkward nice dude not far from him who just spill a drink on his trousers.

The rest goes like this:

  There you go, two different approaches in the same situation in the moment of seduction. When you put the two things into perspective you can see what is really important that influences the behaviour. We cannot change where are we born or who our parents are, but by examining our beliefs about any matter ( in this case women ) we can come up with complacently different outcomes at the end. As a result of a reflection on out beliefs we will consciously choose different rules to live by and ultimately change how the things plays out as a consequence of our actions. Logic in action, that is all, feel free to use your own examples to suit this model. Tell me what you think!

  In the next post I will provide you with some real life examples of how these dynamics look between men and women. I will also start thinking about the best approach to come up with more healthier beliefs about women and dating. 

Introspection, part 1 - How to make a nice guy ?

Early experiences

1) Be raised by a single mother.

2) Let him soak uncritically all feminists values to the age of 16

3) If mother is remarried then more often than not father is more likely to turned out to be Beta, making him useless authority in the masculine lessons of a manhood.

                                                               

Core beliefs

1) Our nice guy learns that women are providers of food, safety and authority. Rebellion means starvation, danger and abandonment. 

2) By the age of 16 he assumes complete submission to a feminine value due to lack of reason and alternative choices in his life.

3) He believes in what he saw in the last 16 years, which is the picture of a good woman, who does not need a man in her life. He is confused and only way he can relate to a new girl in his life is by kissing up to her.

4) Only source of masculine education comes from fantasy books where a Knight saves a Princess and they live happily ever after.

Rules he lives by

1) Women always come first

2) I have to act like a white knight and relieve a lady from distress whenever an opportunity arises.
3) I must trust women, they would never lie to me and they would never hurt me either.

4) I have to always be nice and polite to girls.

Situation

By the age of 20 he enters college and attends parties. He sees a girl which he likes and he hesitates for a very long time. He has got no idea what to say as his nature and most of the hobbies have been put aside. He naturally feels insecure as he has no idea what value he brings to her life. After all no man ever told him how to be a man when there is a girl around.

The rest goes like this 

 By all means I do not mean to offend anyone who reads it. This script will vary from a person to person but more or less the pattern remains consistent. Some might think one will grow out of it at some point in life but if we look at some older generation men up there we still can see the same symptoms over and over again.

 Just to give you a bigger picture so you gain a deeper understanding of the whole drama, please look forward to the second part of the post which is: Introspection, part 2 - how to make a bad boy.

 These are just my opinions on the topic, I invite you to share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Introduction

   As a survivor in a completely foreign country I came across a tool which greatly enhanced my adaptability to a new environment - a tool of self awareness. At first I thought that most of it was just a new age mumbo-jumbo but more down to earth approach helped me to see the benefits of it. My belief in this matter has always been simple: if you don't see benefits in your behaviour or your approach to everyday life, change it. Or if you want something new out of life, get resources which will help you achieve your goal.

  In this blog I would like to focus on the advantages coming from knowing and applying the wisdom of the subject itself. I am no expert in the field, I am not going to indulge in philosophical debates regarding oneself or prescribe the right course of action for the interested one. I wish to simply share my observations and tools which worked for me. I invite you to share your own knowledge and experience in the field too. Oh, and I wish to make it as practical and applicable as possible so it does not sound like a rocket science.

Lets start with the simple definition. Wikipedia states that:

Self-Awareness Theory states that when we focus our attention on ourselves, we evaluate and compare our current behavior to our internal standards and values. We become self-conscious as objective evaluators of ourselves.

  But why should you, indulge in practice of self-awareness ? Is that going to bring you money, better social status or mental well-being ? Well first of all, when it comes to evaluating ones own abilities, character strengths and weaknesses most of us are incredibly inaccurate at doing so. In addition research of Dunning and Kruger points out we are equally inept at assessing our own level of any skill: 

" Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which unskilled individuals suffer from illusory superiority, mistakenly rating their ability much higher than average. This bias is attributed to a metacognitive inability of the unskilled to recognize their mistakes"

  This simply means that you are more likely to say (and possibly be wrong) that you are a better driver then average, that you are more skilled with picking up women than average (if you hear some player who says to you that he can get any girl, well there is a huge chance it is simply a horseshit). And my most favourite that most men are most bias towards is: I am better than a previous guy in the bedroom department. 

  I am sure some of you have hobbies such as rugby, football ( or soccer ), pulling weights at the gym or any skill related activity (job, natural gifts etc) which you have been doing for quite some time. After prolonged practice you can recognize an amateur from a mile away. He is going to be then one who brags loudly and tells everyone about his first successes. I am not saying that an enthusiasm is bad, it is simply an indicator of somebody who is making baby steps and gets the results.This way the saying: the loudest bell is the empties one makes sense. As empty I mean not so full of experience. You are more likely to see that picture yourself at some point because you know how much knowledge and energy was required to get you to the threshold level of competing and if what you do is your hobby and you enjoy learning about it, you know exactly how much more you still got to learn. 

  This simple illustration can apply to many different contexts. I used sports as most of us had some experience in that field but this isn't limited only to that. 

  Lets use another enjoyable context of women and the art of seduction. Few bloggers tried to describe their own experince in the field and based on science simple observations have been made:

"Athol's point about female sexuality being responsive to male sexuality is dead on, and that's a foundation of Game Theory.  Especially within a marriage or LTR, once you understand this point instinctively you become far more aware of the subtleties leading up to actual initiation.  And once you do understand it, and your wife begins reacting to you more regularly, then patterns evolve in which SHE will let you know that she's interested in you initiating sex through some small symbolic gesture, phrase or mannerism.  It might be as mild as a playful dig or discussing someone at work's sex life, but if you carefully observe her behavior then you'll start to pick up on these cues"

http://theredpillroom.blogspot.co.uk

  This is one point where the fun of being self-aware of your own value (or lack thereof) comes into fruition. Self-awareness makes you aware of your own capabilities. You are more likely to become a man of your word and somebody who does not just bounce back and forward in the world without making any meaningful progress in their life.  

  But how do you know you are really better than average (eg. at the job interview)? When is the time when you can confidently say, I am really good at what I do (hobbies, sports etc) to compete and win? How do you determine your own skill level accurately (any and there are plenty) and make a progress ? Where is the point where I can confidently say that I am a man of value and know how to use it instead of relying on some cheap PUA tricks to get a girl respond to you in a sexual way ?  

Well... this is the point where exploration in this subject begins. Stay tuned!